Over the years we realize our greatest accomplishments and mistakes, reflecting back with smiles and tears. In school we are pressured to find a career, go to college, chose what to do with your life...so we do. Some of us seek to have a home first and career second, while few of us are lucky to aquire both. I sleep each night knowing that I have helped many many people. I know some who only hurt others and bring pain to all they know, and I am thankful to have in my heart the desire and ability to do for others. I have never had much luck in the family department, as it would seem I cannot find someone who desires a home and shares in the attraction of me as I would them. I did however know love once. I think of all those who have a fake love and never really know what it is to see someone walk in the room and have their breath stop ...every time. I know what it is like to live with someone, even be married to them and never love them that way. I was able to know love my freshman year of high school. It was only for 8 weeks, before she left me and the day after was with one of my best friends who as it turns out is today a pastor of a church. I saw her pictures on face book the other day and was still in awe and breathless as much today as I was then over 25 years ago. She married straight out of high school to a man who moved here out of state. I reached out from a college dorm room but it was to late and I have lived with the regret my entire life. We talked but never dated again our Junior year but my mom being the Christian she is tried to convert my true loves mom from Lutheranism and turned her mom to advise against seeing me. I have never forgiven my mom for that and it placed a wall in my heart toward my mother that will never come down. I have never known pain such as the loss of her. I remember the morning after the phone call where she let me go....I was up all night crying in bed, sleepless. I guess the exhaustion got to me and half asleep at dawn I watched the sun come up...and I was amazed the world was still going on...my world had stopped but life moved on. In all honesty...something died in me that night. I was so hurt I was never serious again with any female even though it was only for two months....I was beyond happy, I was in love. It would prove to be the only time in my life I have felt what love was for someone. I had love for my wife in my own way, and love indeed for my children but the love for someone so deep you remember their parents phone numbers to this day, the sound of their laugh that was intoxicating, and the smile...of someone heavenly...her voice was so peaceful ...so many things that even know I remember rings in my heart all the more of what I felt so many years ago.
She has a great life, with beautiful children and a good man, at which I can't help but to smile, glad for her. It's a pain and a gladness together...I really cannot explain it but both feelings reside together.
I once thought that I would get in good health and wait him out..lol...stepping in as she would be widowed one day, and as cruel as that sounds..I will always hope to be with her again.
I live with so much regret, but none greater than in my youth..not telling her how I felt, and thinking she would return to me seeing the love I had and letting her see other people ...all the while I knew that she never knew my heart...never knew what I was thinking...because I was stupid and shy leaving it unsaid.
I know for a fact I have never been loved by anyone on this earth in the realm of females, not as I have loved. If you love...really love...not just reside together with someone, not just co-exist, treasure it, because from where I am now...it only comes once...and for me though only two short months...for me...I knew love once, I have loved.
